What Is Gaslighting? Understanding the Signs in Relationships
Updated: Aug 25
You may have heard the term gaslighting used when people talk about difficult or unhealthy relationships. It is a word that has become increasingly common, but it can also be confusing.
You might be wondering whether something you're experiencing in your relationship is gaslighting, or whether you are simply having disagreements that leave you feeling unheard or misunderstood.
Gaslighting generally refers to a pattern of interaction where one person repeatedly undermines another person's confidence in their own memory, perceptions or understanding of events.
Over time, this can leave someone questioning themselves:
“Did that really happen?”
“Am I remembering this incorrectly?”
“Maybe I'm being too sensitive.”
“Am I the problem here?”
Not every disagreement, denial or defensive response is gaslighting. People can remember the same event differently, become defensive during conflict or respond poorly when they feel criticised.
What may distinguish gaslighting from an ordinary disagreement is a repeated pattern of undermining someone's confidence in their own experience, particularly when it becomes difficult for them to trust their own perceptions.
What Does Gaslighting Look Like in a Relationship?
Gaslighting can be difficult to recognise because it doesn't always happen in an obvious or dramatic way. It may develop gradually through repeated interactions.
You might notice patterns such as:
Being repeatedly told that something didn't happen when you remember it differently
Having your concerns dismissed or reframed as the problem
Being told that you're “too sensitive” whenever you raise an issue
Having conversations repeatedly redirected towards your supposed faults
Feeling as though your words are being twisted or misrepresented
Being encouraged to question your memory or judgement
Finding yourself apologising even when you're unsure what you've done wrong
Becoming increasingly hesitant to raise concerns because of how the conversation may unfold
A single comment doesn't necessarily mean someone is gaslighting you. The broader pattern matters.
It can be useful to ask yourself:
What happens repeatedly when I try to talk about something that has upset me?
Why Can Gaslighting Be So Confusing?
Relationships involve two people who bring their own memories, experiences, emotions and perspectives. It is completely possible for partners to remember an event differently.
You might remember a conversation one way while your partner remembers it another way.
That difference on its own doesn't necessarily indicate manipulation.
The difficulty can arise when you repeatedly find yourself unable to express your experience without being made to doubt whether your experience is legitimate.
Over time, you may begin relying heavily on your partner to tell you what happened, what you meant or whether your feelings are reasonable.
This can gradually affect your confidence in your own judgement.
You may start second-guessing yourself before you even raise an issue.
Gaslighting and Emotional Invalidation Aren't Always the Same Thing
These terms are sometimes used interchangeably, but they can describe different experiences.
Emotional invalidation can involve dismissing, minimising or rejecting someone's feelings.
For example:
“You're making a big deal out of nothing.”
Gaslighting can involve a broader pattern of causing someone to question their memory, perception or understanding of what has happened.
For example, if someone repeatedly insists that conversations or events never occurred when they did, while encouraging you to believe that your memory is unreliable, this may be more consistent with gaslighting.
There can be overlap between the two.
But it can be helpful not to label every experience of emotional invalidation as gaslighting.
Sometimes the more useful question is simply:
“What is happening between us, and how is this pattern affecting me?”
Why Do People Gaslight?
There isn't one reason why someone may engage in behaviour that could be described as gaslighting.
In some relationships, it may be connected with attempts to avoid accountability, maintain control or shift responsibility.
In other situations, someone may respond defensively because they feel ashamed, threatened or unable to tolerate being wrong.
Understanding what may be contributing to someone's behaviour can provide context, but it doesn't automatically change its impact.
It is possible to have compassion for someone's difficulties while still recognising that a pattern is affecting you negatively.
Understanding why something happens doesn't necessarily mean you have to accept it.
How Gaslighting Can Affect You
When someone repeatedly questions your perception or dismisses your experience, you may begin to lose confidence in your own judgement.
You might notice:
Increased self-doubt
Confusion about what happened during disagreements
Anxiety before raising concerns
Difficulty trusting your own decisions
Frequently apologising or taking responsibility for problems
Feeling as though you need to carefully choose your words
Becoming increasingly dependent on your partner's version of events
Feeling emotionally exhausted after conversations
You may also find yourself replaying conversations afterwards, trying to work out whether you misunderstood something.
Over time, this can affect how secure and confident you feel within the relationship.
What If You're Starting to Doubt Yourself?
If you have begun questioning your own perceptions, it can be helpful to slow things down rather than immediately deciding what label applies.
You might start by noticing patterns:
What happened?
What did you experience?
What happened when you tried to talk about it?
How did you feel afterwards?
Writing down your thoughts or experiences can sometimes help you organise what you're noticing. Talking with someone you trust can also provide another perspective.
The goal isn't necessarily to prove that your version of an event is correct.
It can be about reconnecting with your own experience and becoming more confident in recognising what you are feeling and needing.
Pay Attention to the Pattern, Not Just One Conversation
One difficult conversation can be difficult to interpret. Looking at the broader relationship pattern can sometimes provide more context.
Consider what happens over time:
Do you generally feel able to express concerns?
Can you disagree without feeling that your perception of events will be attacked?
Can both of you acknowledge when something hasn't gone well?
Is there room for each person's perspective?
Can your partner take responsibility when they've hurt you?
And are you able to do the same?
Healthy relationships don't require perfect communication. People can become defensive, misunderstand each other and say things they later regret.
What can matter is whether there is space for repair, accountability and different perspectives.
What Can You Do If You Think You're Experiencing Gaslighting?
You don't have to immediately decide whether what you're experiencing qualifies as gaslighting. Depending on the circumstances, you might begin by:
Staying Connected to Your Own Experience
You don't have to immediately decide whether what you're experiencing qualifies as gaslighting.
You can acknowledge:
“Something about this interaction isn't feeling right to me.”
That can be enough to begin paying closer attention to the pattern.
Talk to Someone You Trust
It can be difficult to maintain perspective when you're deeply involved in a relationship.
Speaking with a trusted friend, family member or counsellor can give you somewhere to talk through what has been happening.
You don't need to have everything worked out before asking for support.
Set Boundaries Around Conversations
You may decide that certain ways of communicating aren't acceptable to you.
For example:
“I'm willing to talk about what happened, but I'm not comfortable continuing the conversation if I'm being insulted.”
A boundary isn't necessarily about controlling what another person does.
It can be about becoming clearer about what you are willing to participate in.
Notice Whether There Is Space for Accountability
One useful question can be:
“When something goes wrong between us, can we both acknowledge our part in it?”
A relationship doesn't require either person to be perfect.
When there is ongoing difficulty acknowledging harm or taking responsibility, it can become harder to repair relationship problems.
What If You're Not Sure Whether It's Gaslighting?
This is a question I think is particularly important. You don't need to diagnose your relationship from a list of signs on the internet.
If you find yourself thinking:
“I don't know what's happening, but I don't feel like myself anymore.”
or:
“I keep questioning whether my feelings are reasonable.”
that experience is worth exploring.
There may be gaslighting.
There may also be emotional invalidation, unresolved conflict, poor communication, an unhealthy interaction pattern or a combination of several things.
A counsellor can help you slow down what is happening, explore the relationship pattern and consider what you need moving forward.
What If Your Partner Says You're the One Gaslighting Them?
It is also possible to hear the term gaslighting used during relationship conflict.
You might be told that you're gaslighting your partner because you remember an event differently or disagree about what happened. Again, disagreement doesn't automatically mean gaslighting.
It can be helpful to become curious about the interaction:
Can you acknowledge that your partner experienced the situation differently?
Are you willing to consider that you may have remembered something incorrectly?
Can you take responsibility for your own behaviour?
Can both of you talk about the experience without trying to prove that the other person is entirely wrong?
Being able to tolerate different perspectives can be an important part of healthy relationship communication.
When Can Relationship Counselling Help?
If you are repeatedly questioning what is happening in your relationship, counselling can provide a space to slow things down.
In relationship counselling, we can explore:
Repeating communication patterns
Emotional triggers and responses
Boundaries and expectations
Accountability and repair
Emotional safety
How each partner experiences conflict
Whether there are patterns of manipulation or emotional invalidation
What each person needs from the relationship moving forward
Sometimes couples come to counselling because they want to improve communication.
Sometimes they are trying to understand a relationship that has become confusing or emotionally exhausting.
And sometimes one person seeks individual counselling because they aren't yet sure whether couples counselling is appropriate.
There isn't one answer that fits every relationship.
If You're Questioning Your Relationship
If you have reached a point where you are regularly questioning yourself, your relationship or your own perception of what is happening, you don't have to work it all out alone.
At The Love Life Counsellor, I provide online individual and relationship counselling across Sydney, including Sydney's North Shore, as well as Australia-wide.
Counselling can provide a space to talk openly about what you've been experiencing, understand relationship patterns and become clearer about what you need.
You don't need to arrive with a diagnosis or a label.
You can simply begin with:
“Something in my relationship doesn't feel right, and I want to understand it.”
You can book a free 15-minute Meet & Greet to explore whether counselling might be right for you.
A Final Thought
The word gaslighting can sometimes help people put language around an experience that has been difficult to understand. But a label isn't always the most important part.
What may matter more is how you feel within the relationship, what patterns keep repeating and whether there is space for your experience to be heard. You deserve to be able to express your feelings, have your perspective considered and feel able to trust yourself.
And if you're finding that difficult at the moment, seeking support can be a way of beginning to find some clarity.
Written by Kay Crow, Registered Relationship Counsellor (Grad.Dip.Rel.Couns)
